falling out.

I have no words to desribe how I feel about you.
Nothing I could say, nothing I can do,
even a hello is too much for me to muster up.
I guess it's even been too long to casually ask the trivial
"how have you been?"

so uncomfortable
to say your name in front of others
such a chore
to explain what happened to you and where you are now

such a disaster, such a pain
to think of the way I acted towards you
to think of the way you acted towards me
and the strange feeling of nostalgia I get
everytime I see that freshman that looks a little like you from back then,
constantly exhausted, hard exterior
dragging your feet on the school's dirty corridors each day,
waiting for the summer and the promise of
parties and hookups and
mike's hard lemonade that lies on your counter in anticipation

and even though I'm satisfied where I am now
what a pain it is
to look back and picture you staring down at me
over your bedside, humid air
broken computer and much-too-strong cologne
harmless flirting, simple words
typical friends, no benefits

what a pain
I fucking miss you, kid
we were supposed to be friends forever